Still here

I’ve been neglecting this blog. Various reasons prevented me sharing my life with you but essentially ….

The Down

Late September into October was awful. Depression, doom & gloom. No apparent progress on getting an appointment at the GIC despite finding a kind person in the specialist funding body. Body feeling very male, no outings as me and news of other luckier people moving on, getting gender care. Began thinking suicide again, started buying paracetamol…

On one particularly frustrating leading to miserable self hatred day I swung the knife at my arm too hard. Fortunately my arm was side on, not veins up, as the knife cut quite deeply and bloodily. Actually I managed to scare myself, which I think has been a good thing …

The Up

Then came November. On the first day I heard that, finally, I am to get an appointment at the GIC :-)    The sting in the tail is that it wont be until February, exactly a year after I went to my GP (we’ll be glossing over the NHS 18 week target to which trans care is applicable then) … but I have a month to aim for, to survive until.

Mina, Emma and me at Pink Punters

A week later and I’m in Milton Keynes for ‘Big Night Out’ at Pink Punters nightclub. Two days and a night of being me and meeting friends and having the most marvelous time :)

On the Saturday morning I left the hotel, dressed as me, and went to see a twitter friend Jayne. I met her in a small town shopping centre and walked with her to a pub and a quick drink. OK she had to tell me off for walking like a man(!) but that was my first experience of being out in the daytime in a normal everyday place.

Nobody was horrible or, indeed, said a word.

Afterwards I drove the 2 hours home, not getting changed until a few miles from home in a dark layby … the seediness of which could not distract from the thrill of what I’d achieved.

One week later, this weekend just gone and I’m in Nottingham, ostensibly for the Nottingham Invasion but being a whole day early …. :)

Cinema going outfit

So I went to the cinema on my own, as me to see The Saphires (good but not best-film-ever). Walking across a city centre full of revellers, the only trans person in sight.

This time I got some overheard comments and a lot of stares but nothing horrible shouted despite walking back between groups of drunk men (bit scary that bit!). Only when I got to the hotel on a I-can-do-this-dont-give-a-feck attitude of jumping in the occupied lift rather than waiting for an empty did I get my first hurt: some bloke with a horrid snigger but I wont let him take the shine, I did it!

Next morning and I’m determined to go out again. Up & dressed … then an attack of the nerves. It took me an hour to get out of the hotel room. An hour of pacing and worrying and repeated-repeated-repeated mirror self critiscism … but I finally did it.

Sandwich sourced

Dead casual in jeggings and an M&S top :)   I wandered around Nottingham city centre in the middle of the day, bought a sandwich and a pair of socks(!) walked past hundreds of people (including 30 school kids – yikes!) and … got barely a glance :)   No comments at all. Very happy.

Got ready again and a night out for the Invasion proper. Meeting a load of new people at a restaurant then onward to pubs and a club. I had a *really* good time :) No comments, not many stares and lots of friendly people to chat to. Got back to the hotel at 4am-ish very, very happy :)

 

Just happy being me

 

 

 

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