Conversation

Last night

After 3 or 4 days of trying I finally found the words to tell my wife how I’m feeling at the moment. That is that I am more and more certain that I will end up living full time as a transsexual woman sometime in 2013.

My decision to open up was prompted by reading If You Really Loved Me by Emma Cantons which is the story of how she coped with her husband transitioning and how their relationship survived.  It really helped me understand both my own feelings more and some of my wifes.  I had hoped my wife would also read it, but she refused to give it a go. This is a shame, its a good book that addresses the raw emotional and practical issues we face.  There is hope for people that want to stay together!

So I plucked up courage and we ended up having quite a calm and measured discussion which was unusual … and nice!  I told her what I wanted to become and that I didn’t really see the GIC as being that relevant to my decision any more, just there to help me with the process.  This is, likely, blind optimism on my part, but at least I can go in saying what I want!  My wife reaffirmed that she would not want to remain in a relationship with me if I decide to live full time.  She is not, as she said, a lesbian.

I explained how horrible and frustrating the wait is for me, the issues with body & facial hair and where I must keep my clothes.  She in turn, told me how horrible it will be for her to be abandoned next year; I don’t see it as abandoning, I will still pay for the mortgage & bills etc, but its true that I won’t be there.

There is of course my guilt at disrupting/ruining her & my daughters life and her guilt at some of the bad things she’s said to me in the past which was nice to have acknowledged.

However … when we discussed *when* things should happen, our opinions differed. I want it all now, obviously, she wants it never to happen. We eventually compromised … back where we started.  I will wait until the GIC appointment before doing anything irreversible or moving out.

However, my wife says she is still keen to go on a night out with me dressed and is “more relaxed” about routine hair removal (hurrah!).  I’m worried about the night out given that, with about 6 weeks to go she cannot yet bring herself to a look at a photo of me dressed. I say “worried”,  I mean “terrified”, that on the night she will laugh, or worse, be really upset.  I don’t really believe it will happen…

So all-in-all it sounds like not much progress and, in truth, I’m still frustrated and down about not being able to be me … but there is *some* progress; I have been absolutely and fully honest about my thoughts and feelings for the first time in …. well, forever.

 

Today

Last night all seemed ok. We were both drained but had reached an understanding. We will try and have one last good Christmas and then deal with 2013 …

This morning however, my wife was very upset and very tired after lying awake for hours worrying about what will happen. As I write this in the evening, still at work, my wife texts me that she feels better … I hope so.

 

To be continued …

 

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