I cant do this any more

My wife started crying again last night, brought on by my legs still being fairly hair free. I’ve bought & used an epilator. She knew I wanted one but I’d not told her I’d actually got one last month  – another stupid secret  -  hence hair hasn’t grown back as quickly.

So she becomes sad & upset and doesn’t want me to transition, but to remain a man who occasionally wears a dress.  And I say I don’t want that, I want it to be permanent, and she says well you should wait for the GIC and I say ok, but I don’t think its going to turn out how you want …

She tells me that I’m a good dad, and a good husband, which I obviously don’t (want to?) believe and she doesn’t want me to change. She can’t see or accept that I’m already a woman, just in this stupid deformed body.

And I’ve got nothing left except the horrible pain in my chest where all the hurt lives. I can’t reassure her, I’m so emotionally drained now, I can barely sympathise with her. I just bring hurt and pain and misery to her, to me and doubtless soon to my daughter and my parents.

So I want to transition because its my only shot at being happy … but how can I be with all this misery I’ll be leaving in my wake?  There is no good option, just the one scary final choice. The choice thats always there, hanging around like the classic Grim Reaper, just waiting until I’m ready.

 

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2 Responses to I cant do this any more

  1. jane says:

    Lisa it’s terrible that the GIC appointment is taking so long. You must stay strong, you must. The future will be better once you’re through all this. It really will be and that goes for all of you including your daughter. I’m sending you lots of good wishes.

    • Lisa Severn says:

      Hi Jane

      I’m trying. I’ve got a couple of nights out in January so I’m going to look forward to those and try and get through Christmas…

      Thank you xx

      Lisa