The pleasant surprise that wasn’t

Home last night to a really upset wife.

When she’d told her parents about me, they were apparently really supportive and brilliant, helping her, and saying that they understood that it wasn’t my fault that I was born like this, that my dysphoria wasn’t my fault! I was really pleasantly surprised by this, I was ready for a harsher reaction, but to hear what I’d thought all along, spontaneously said, was a delight. That was 2 weeks ago.

Yesterday, my wife found out that it had been a lie, or at least some reassessing has gone on, because now, apparently, my father-in-law is really angry with me. I can understand why, I’m in the process of making his daughter really upset but I really liked & admired him, especially since I’d thought he, if not actually supporting me, at least understood.

The effect though has been horrible; my wife now sees an unbridgeable rift between my in-laws and me … and she blames me for it. “This is your fault” … “Why are you doing this to us?” … “*Please* don’t do this!”

I dare you to listen to that and not waver … because I did. But then what? Suppose I try and put the genie back in the closet (the one where I keep the mixed metaphors)?  I’d rapidly become very depressed. I wouldn’t survive. So I must go on, causing the pain, in spite of almost everyone in my family (I *think/hope* my Mom is OK with me now) and its really, really, lonely.

As it was, I was driving quite recklessly last night as I went out for vodka – until it belatedly occurred to me that I might hurt someone else. Again this morning, the temptation of cliff and wall beckoned.

I’m coming around now, though I’ve not been able to do anything useful at work today :-/  I just wish I could start living my life as me.


[EDIT: I emailed my father-in-law, trying to explain myself, and he replied that whilst they're "struggling", they will support me. Which is as good as I can expect really when you consider what I'm putting his daughter through]


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One Response to The pleasant surprise that wasn’t

  1. Anna says:

    I suspect his anger will be from a perspective of “why did he marry my daughter, why couldn’t he be honest from the start….” Easier said than done. How many gay and lesbian people have married only to come out later in life? Ultimately they have to be true to who they are, regardless of how difficult it might be to come out. In your case multiply that by a million because it is a damn sight easier for society to accept someone as gay than trans. Shouldn’t be that way but we all know that it is.
    I’ve read enough of your tweets to realise you’re a nice, kind and thoughtful person. The world is a better place with you in it so please drive carefully! x