The Shame

My wife told me last night that she’s no longer prepared to be a victim. This puzzled me for a while but, in essence, she is “no longer” prepared to passively accept what I’m doing. I was again puzzled as I thought I’d been doing everything with permission and things were getting easier but this is not how my wife sees things.

To her, I have pressured her into accepting things she does not want to accept. I can’t deny that I might have done this, I can appear totally obsessed with trans issues. Most of the time this is because I am totally obsessed. I do try to be kind and patient and understanding but the Lisa inside screams in permanent frustration.

The main problem point at the moment is again body hair. I like my legs and arms to be hair free; in fact I want everywhere to be hair free – well apart from my head!  My wife hates it and doesn’t understand why I can’t just leave it on when I dress. To me though the idea of dressing whilst hairy is utterly abhorrent, a feeling sick, man-in-a-dress horror story. I simply have a straightforward desire to to be truly, properly female. A desire that is not compatible with my marriage.

But is this desire genuine?  I’m often worried that I am in classic confirmation bias in which everything I do and think reinforces a narrow view.  Am I just tricking myself down a path that will lead to my humiliation?  I tried last year to break out of this cycle of positive reinforcement of trans views and failed, so surely that means the feelings are genuine?

So I say this to my wife, that I want to be female, tempered by the words “some of the time” to spare her feelings. To which she replies along the lines of “not while you’re in this house, in this marriage”. She goes on, “What about the shame? People will laugh at me! … Why do you want <our daughter> to have to grow up with the shame of her Dad wanting to be a woman? Don’t you care?”

So now I feel truly awful. I’m ruining my daughters life. My wife is ashamed. If I want to be me, I have no choice but to leave my home & family behind.

Yet I still want to be female. I am the worst, most horrible person in the world.

 

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2 Responses to The Shame

  1. Sarah says:

    WOW! great post (and posts). I’m feeling it too. I’m in a very similar situation. Well, I’m sitting it out actually but interested to read a parallel experience. I’ll follow this. I hope it works out. Good luck. S. xx

  2. Lisa!!! No shame and you really aren’t in the slightest a horrible person …

    You write my story and I have written yours. We are where we are and there is no easy answer at all. I’ve been here and I’m (we’re) not out of the woods yet. It takes two to so completely let go of previous foundations and trust in finding new ones. Much to say and share but not here.

    take a look at http://www.andiesplace.co.uk where I’m starting to chatter too.

    Andie