Life, the Universe and Everyone

So Here it is, Merry Christmas! Two years since I started this blog …

I am living my life as a woman, generally being much happier, but it has come at a cost. My wife and I are divorcing and I live, for the most part, alone in a rented house in the city, seeing my daughter 3 weekends in every 4. I still share so many interests and habits with my ex and we remain on mostly good terms but ultimately she could not accept the change in me. She hates what I did, possibly hates me too, but I miss her. The divorce will likely be final mid-January.

The divorce settlement was expensive, it cost me the chance to have facial feminization surgery (FFS) … but the house sale has at least cleared all her debts and almost all of mine which has relieved a lot of stress. My daughter is fine, she accepts me as Lisa and hasn’t suffered any problems at school, though, at my ex’s request, I no longer have anything to do with her school either. I hope my appearance will improve under hormones enough that I can return to the occasional school run; ironically FFS would have really helped.

In day to day life, I haven’t looked back. In the last 5 months I have worn the following male clothes: a belt, once, and a pair of walking boots, once. People treat me almost the same as any other woman, the only difference being that conversations with men never drift into semi-flirtatiousness and I thus remain an uncontemplatable partner to almost all. I have had a few mean comments in the street and get stared at most days, but most of the time, I can cope with that. I’ve only had a couple of people interact with me in a deliberately mean way, e.g. by deliberately misgendering me.

Hormones are great, even the low dose of oestrogen I have started on has made me feel better despite a lack of physical changes yet. Whether this is a placebo effect or not, I don’t know, but I feel calmer and less gender dysphoric (though this is, as I write, being disturbed by my first testosterone-blocking GnRH injection, which initially causes a testosterone *increase* for a couple of weeks :-/). My ongoing battle with facial hair and the electrolysis I need to get rid of it (laser doesn’t suit my ginger/white stubble) is pretty awful and likely to take 2 hours a week for a year and cost around £4,500 though I may get some NHS sessions to save perhaps £500 of that.

Wearing a wig & full makeup every day isn’t fantastic, but I accept it as a price worth paying, though door-to-door callers occasionally get a confusing shock if I’m not up & ready :-)   I am more confident now than before, I no longer have to think about what I can say, if something might reveal too much about me. The loss of my “dual life” is such a great thing and I face the future with optimism & a desire to live, really live, for the first time in a decade or more.

I came out trans, but not with my wife. Like so many others, *I* was simply a change too far. A few lucky, special couples do make it through this, don’t abandon hope if you are in my situation from 2 years ago; certainly to not to have tried would have been unforgiveable.

And so, I’m going to end this blog. I will start a new blog in the new year and document my transition through more hormones and surgery and who knows what. I hope you can join me.

My name is Lisa.  I still haven’t learnt how to ski.

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3 Responses to Life, the Universe and Everyone

  1. Tracey Howard says:

    I have both smiled and shed a tear reading this. You a true inspiration Lisa. You’ve shown anything is possible. Look forward to reading your new blog. I’m expecting some backlash in the New Year, but really hope we can come out the other side like you have. Here’s to a great 2014 for all of us x

  2. Stephen Parry says:

    Hi. We interact on Twitter as you may have guessed (StephenParry80). I think your blog has been inspirational.

    We’re all on a journey in life. We’re all human. We all have good points and bad points, flaws, insecurities, strengths, etc. And I am of the belief that people should be free to live their lives how they choose. As long as you do not hurt others, I think we should be free to choose how we live.

    You are, even if you may not realize it, inspirational. I cannot imagine how difficult it has been at times. However, without knowing the specific day-to-day details, I’d bet that most people are supportive of you and are with you, Lisa. Words can hurt, but anyone who is mean, well remember that they are the ones with issues. Insecure people attack others. Secure people don’t. I’m sure, and I hope, that the ones who matter in your life (family, friends, colleagues, Twitter friends) are the ones who treat you well.

    I hope 2014 goes well for you, Lisa, and that you will update this blog, continue to interact with me and Twitter. As for skiing, well if you learn, please give me some tips – I said I was going to do some back in 2002. I still haven’t done it. :)

    Take care.

  3. Not sure why anyone wouldn’t want to flirt with you!!! I hope 2014 turns out to be a fantastic year for you.