I dont know how long I can keep doing this

Another week, another spectacular emotional wringing as my other half struggles to cope with my trans identity.  Last nights three hour mutual torment was exacerbated by my insistence on saying that “I don’t know what will happen” … my wife wants me to promise that I wont ever have gender confirmation surgery (though she didn’t use that term!) or take hormones.  I don’t want to promise that because, at the moment, thats exactly what I do want. I’m trying to be kind of course, since any hint that I might want to change my body is met with hysteria – proper, full on crying, sobbing, hyper-ventilating hysteria – followed by anxiety and anger, hatred and depression.

So do I tell her what I’m thinking? Say, “Yes, I *do* want to change my body with hormones and surgery” … is it kinder in the long run? I expect we’d have to split up, more or less straight away … but our finances won’t support that unless we sell our home, disrupting our daughters life even more.

Do I lie instead and pretend all is well and that I expect counselling to talk me out of my need to be as “extreme”, which will help and satisfy her, but will also lead to conflict as I seek to feminise my life more and more … and she will not understand why.

So I find myself thinking of the other way out, for the first time in a long time, which I know intellectually is not an answer but it’s appeal can’t be denied.  I’m alone as always, unable to express my true feelings to anyone except you.

 

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