A good weekend is a bad weekend

I had a really good bank holiday break. Where we went about as a family unit, the only arguments being normal arguments, about money, housework and misbehaving-kid-induced stress.  I could do this, I could be a regular dad, its been a couple of *hours* since I last thought about being the wrong person…

And yet the longer I spend as Normal Bloke, the worse I feel afterwards, the sheer agony and frustration and scream at the world and argh! … let me be Lisa. Or am I just deluded; a fantasist, stuck in confirmation bias … am I the same emotional fuck up I’ve been my entire life? Am I making an utter fool of myself? I’ve no idea, but if anyone does, drop me a line.

I think I have two choices.  Ok three, but the third isn’t great.

  1. Begin transition, split from wife, lose home & child, become social outcast, upset daughter, feel terrible and sad.
  2. Don’t transition, stay with wife, bury feelings & get depressed, have loads of arguments, upset daughter, feel terrible and sad.
  3. Drive car off cliff

Do nothing has always been my past; put up, shut up, get on with it as best I can and the temptation is still there. I have already decided … not to decide until I have my GIC councelling, but that is still half a year away.

I’m going to Sparkle and, maybe, a Leeds First Friday if I can sneak out past my conscience (I have promised not to go). I wonder how I’ll feel then, after another weekend?

 

 

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