Taking stock

So here I am:

I’m transgender but can’t get NHS counselling because of where I live. I want to live as a woman but need to be sure its the right thing to do.

My wife hates all things trans. I can’t dress at home without causing upset. Clothes must be kept locked in the loft. I cant mention the existance of trans people or watch anything on TV that has a trans person in it whilst shes there. If I transition, we will divorce.

We have a daughter who is fantastic and sweet and precious and deserves a proper Dad and the best family environment.

I have driven my wife to getting treatment herself for anxiety and depression. I blame me. She blames me. Her counsellor blames me.

I’m in loads of debt, meaning I cant afford private care or even afford permanent hair removal.

Debt also means I can’t move out of the house – unless I make my wife & daughter move house too. The bank refused to help even though it would leave me several hundred pounds a month better off.

I can’t concentrate at work, I just dont want to get involved in anything … I’m going to get caught out soon though. Its a good, well paid job that I cant afford to lose.

Someone in my team comitted suicide last month but I didn’t spot anything wrong. Or rather I did, they said something odd, but I didn’t do anything.  I am envious of his decision.

In 2 weeks, there is a bloke orientated, sport-themed fundraising effort in his memory but I want no part in it. I just want to forget … but I’m going to look really bad if I dont take part. I’m the team leader but can’t lead anything right now.

Its my wifes birthday. She didn’t decide what she wanted until Sunday so I didn’t include my daughter in choosing a present. Daughter was really upset. Wife gets upset, tells me its my job to keep everyone happy on her birthday. I cant tell her my GIC news as she would then blame me for spoiling her birthday.

What else … The roof is leaking. There might be rodents in the roof void. The car needs an MOT, 2 new tyres and an aircon repair. The garden needs massive tidying. Window frames need painting. Computer needs replacing. The cat might need putting down. School lunch fees, swimming lesson fees, gymnastic club fees, birthday parties, shoes. Christmas is coming. Daughter deserves a decent holiday…

 

 

 

 

… and I just keep thinking that my company has a generous death-in-service benefit.

 

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4 Responses to Taking stock

  1. Rachel Mills says:

    Hi Lisa

    I found your blog from twitter (I’m @rachellizmills).

    I’m sorry you have such a lot to deal with. It’s good that you’re taking stock & trying to get a big picture of it all, but don’t let it get too much for you. I think you need to take a long term strategy. In the end, even your wife will want things to be ok between you and your daughter (unless she is totally unreasonable). So work out things so your daughter copes ok with your transition. If you and your wife separate you can still both be good parents. You say that your daughter deserves a ‘proper dad’. What she deserves is actually a good *parent*. You don’t have to be ‘Dad’. She would rather have a self-fulfilled Lisa as parent then a severely depressed ‘Dad’.

    Does your wife have anyone to talk to about her problems with your gender dysphoria? She could get in touch with the Beaumont Society. I don’t know if this still exists, but they had a section for wives of cross-dressers. I don’t know if there are any organisations purely for wives (female partners) of transwomen. Let her know about these possibilities, although it sounds like she is still in deep denial.

    Please don’t blame yourself. You didn’t cause this situation to happen. It really doesn’t do anything good.

    About the non-gender pressures and jobs – you can only do so much. Work out priorities and lower-priority stuff will just have to wait. Perhaps doing some of these things with your wife might help ease the situation between you.

    So, I don’t know if I’ve said anything helpful or if I’m completely off-beam, but I want you to know that there are people out here who do care. Please feel free to DM me on twitter or email me.

    :Hugs:

    Rachel

  2. jane says:

    Lisa please please take care.I’m sending you HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGS. The biggest ones I can find. I wish I could meet you for a cup of gin and a chat but I’m a million miles away in dorset. I now need to cook dinner but I’ll write you more very soon. Jane

    • lisa says:

      Thank you Jane. Feeling a bit better today. Writing it all down seems to have help a bit :)

      • jane says:

        I’m glad to hear that. Writing things down can have two effects on me either better or worse. Depends how flooded by it all I feel. But I do love lists. One of the best things I ever did was give up caffeine as it had such an impact on my mood swings. But I was doing 10+ cups of coffee a day – a bit extreme. And of course good old booze doesn’t really help me to be calm either. But I still drink. O boy did I have a hang over yesterday after a late night of merry unpacking in our new house. Hope you can avoid that works do you were writing about. Chuck a sicky as they say or something but don’t go. best wishes.